I Think My Cat Wants to Kill Me! By Mariah V

I Think My Cat Wants to Kill Me!

Yup you heard right!

I think my cat wants to kill me!

Why do I say that? Well, for starters, she constantly gives me the death stare, like she’s plotting my murder. Every chance she gets, she’s sharpening her claws and meticulously cleaning them. I assume it’s to ensure a clean kill, with no tiny paw prints left behind as evidence.

I think my cat wants to kill me.

She plays these emotional mind games one minute she loves me, the next she acts like my existence is a personal insult. She toys with me as if I’m her prey. Maybe she’s just a narcissist? A narcissist who wants to kill me!

I think my cat wants to kill me!

She deprives me of sleep every night. Without fail, at exactly 3:15 AM, she decides I’ve had enough rest and causes absolute chaos. Sometimes I wake up to find her perched on my chest, just staring. As if she’s calculating whether I’d stop breathing if she sits there long enough.

I think my cat is trying to kill me!

She’s always sneaking up behind me, lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce. Everywhere I go, she’s there under my bed, in my closet, even inside my shoeboxes. I can’t even use the bathroom alone! And then there are her toys hidden in the strangest places. She’s testing out spots to hide my body.

I thought I was bringing home a warm, lovable companion, someone to keep me company. But now I’m convinced I’m living with a fuzzy little assassin.

Is it weird that I still want to keep her around? I mean, attempted murder isn’t really murder, right? And that heart-shaped face is just so cute sometimes. Those tiny bean paw prints? Irresistible. Besides, I did find her behind some trash cans, in the rain no less. Maybe she’s still working through some unhealed trauma… five years later.

Maybe all she really needs is more of my love. And that’s exactly what I’m going to give her.

I think my cat wants to…